A challenging school workshop day

Today at school, we had an all-day workshop. In the past, these have really been a problem for me, and today was no different. My thoughts during this workshop: How much will I remember about this workshop? How will this affect my job if they are expecting me to implement something new with my students?

During the workshop this morning, I was having great difficulty understanding some of the words that I was either hearing or reading. For example, we were supposed to write down things during this workshop that “resonated” with us. I’m fairly certain that I’ve heard this word before and I think that I did know what it meant. But today, the meaning of the word “resonate” cannot be found in my brain! If I can’t figure out what this word means, how do I answer the question given to me with this word in it?

A short time later, I went to the ladies’ room and afterwards I saw a co-worker. This is someone who I’ve known for a long time, but I really can’t remember if they know about my diagnosis or not. I asked her what resonate meant and she explained it to me, but it was very quick. By the time, I walked back to my seat, her explanation was totally gone from my brain. I hadn’t remembered anything she said. I still didn't know what “resonate” meant.

Also, during this workshop, we were asked to silently read a page from a book that we were each given. It was 8 ½ by 11” and three very long paragraphs. Not only was I not able to remember what I read from one sentence to the next or from one paragraph to the next, but I couldn’t understand most of what I read. I was very FRUSTRATED!

The problems with my cognition such as understanding language is greatly impacting my participation and understanding during this workshop. It is as though it is in another language, yet I know that it is not. There is no way for me to fix this, since I can't fix my brain! This makes me very sad and feeling like I'm on the outside, not fitting in with my co-workers. I'm not feeling like I'm part of this group, but instead I'm very different. This memory impairment is creating the distance between us.

I decided that even though the workshop was still going on, I needed to take a walk and relax a little bit. I was so afraid that if I didn’t, that I would just be in tears. I just need to try to avoid a meltdown! I decided to call one of my best friends and she listened and helped me through all the stress that I was having. When I returned to the workshop, one of my co-workers asked me if I was okay. I said yes, but told her that I had “data overload”. Luckily, I was able to go back to the workshop and participate. This co-worker knows about my diagnosis.

After lunch, we still had another two hours left of the workshop. Things were going along okay until we were all shown twenty-five capital letters, but they were in a triangle. We were told to study them for a short amount of time, then they were off the screen. Then we were asked to write down the ones we remembered. I think that I remembered only a couple of letters, but not in the correct place that they were in.

At the end of the workshop, we were given an evaluation form to fill out. I chose not to fill mine out, since I forgot a lot of things that were presented. I didn’t really know how I was going to give my input. This is something that in the past, I’ve been able to do.

When I was younger, I did struggle with reading comprehension, but it was just something that I dealt with. But these things that are now happening are very different and I recognize that. I'm usually very aware of what is happening and I usually know my limits. I don't give up easily, but rather know what I can do and what is impossible!

I don't consider myself brave, just trying to manage my life the best way that I can. Today, while I was at school, I decided to look up the word "resonate" in the dictionary because I'd somehow remembered the problems I had yesterday with it. The best definition that would most fit the sentence that I heard it in was this: to strike a chord. Well that just created another problem, since I don't remember what the word chord means. Oh well. It's not important anyway. It's good that today I can laugh a little bit about this problem!

Today, not knowing about my problems yesterday, another teacher told me that she was proud of how the workshop went for me. Then I told her that I had some difficulty, but I left for a few minutes and got myself together and returned. I didn't share the details about yesterday, but did I tell her that I don't remember workshops being this difficult for me in the past.

The only reason that I can write about these things is because I write it down as it is happening. Sometimes just writing it down helps me to get through it. I wonder how much longer I can continue my crazy, busy life of working two jobs!