The fog

(Chapter 9 The Fog in my book)

The “fog” rolled in again and these are my thoughts that I wrote down during and after the fog. It was ten am and I was sitting at the bowling alley watching my boyfriend bowl in his bowling league. This is what I wrote down. “I was feeling very weird, not sick, just not feeling like “me”. The fog must be moving in. This makes me feel sad! I'm hoping that it doesn't last long and that it isn't thick. If the fog is thick, it can make it more challenging for me to function.” Since it didn't seem too bad, I chose not to tell him how I was feeling. This foggy feeling kept coming and going, but it wasn't that bad.

On Saturday, we drove to visit my eighty-one-year-old mom who recently had a birthday. It was a fun day and the three of us had a really good time. It wasn't until later in the evening when he and I were back at his place, that I realized the “fog” had rolled in. At this point, I hadn't told him how I was feeling on Friday morning because the symptoms didn't last that long and I was able to handle it on my own. But on Saturday night, the fog was much thicker and I think that it lasted quite a while. I chose not to tell him because I was afraid my words could hurt him. We were just sitting on the couch watching a movie. When the fog rolled in, I felt very different. One minute, I felt like myself, then it changed for me.

Things seemed fine, then suddenly they weren't so good. I knew something was wrong and that the fog had rolled in because I shouldn't have been feeling this way. Suddenly, I was feeling like I didn't want to be where I was or even with him. I just felt like I wanted to be by myself. I just tried very hard to hide these feelings. A short time later, I quietly cried. I guess that I had become very quiet, so he thought that something might be wrong. I fibbed and told him that I was okay. I was so afraid that if I told him how I was feeling that he would be hurt by my words. It seemed to take a while for this feeling to pass, but eventually it did. Thank God for that!” I don't know or remember if I knew who he was or where I was. These times are very scary for both of us!

During the “fog, I can become very quiet and distant, or I can be very clingy. I did realize something this weekend and that is that I feel more “grounded” when I'm at my apartment, rather than spending time at his home. I think if the fog doesn't roll in, I am okay being at some one's home rather than mine.

Sometimes I feel as though my brain is like a jigsaw puzzle with lots of missing pieces. For me, sometimes I can feel disconnected from people. I'm constantly forgetting things, so there are gaps in these relationships.

Since it has been a few days since this happened, we have talked about it and I have told him my feelings. He said, " that must be very scary for you." and I replied, “Yes!” Once the fog cleared, I drove home.