Feeling like I'm the Nana with the “broken brain”

(Chapter 23 Living with a memory impairment and being a Nana in my book)

Yesterday I was talking to my daughter on the phone. Her and her husband have six-month-old twin daughters, my first grandchildren. She told me that her and her husband are going away for a long weekend. Her mother-in-law will be watching the babies. I think that her mother-in-law is amazing She is a full-time caregiver for her husband. I'm a very caring and compassionate person but I'm not sure that I could do everything involved in taking care of a loved one other than a child.

My daughter said that her mother-in-law wanted to know if I'd like to come over this weekend and spend some time with the babies. I told my daughter that I didn't know if I wanted to do that. She asked me why not. I told her that I had nothing against her mother-in-law but I felt that if they were going to leave the babies in her care, then they felt that she could handle it.

Then I got really quiet and I started crying. A short time later, I stopped crying and I apologized. She said, “so are you going to tell me what is wrong?” I asked her to give me a second to figure out what to say. Then I said, “you won't understand and she said, “If you don't tell me what is wrong, then I can't even try to understand.”

I told her that she has no idea how hard it has been for me. I said that her mother-in-law just seems to have it all together and she can do anything, but me I'm the one with the broken brain! My daughter said that I shouldn't feel that way and I told her that I have felt that way for a while. I'm not sure what else we said about this subject, but I told her that I probably could go to her house this weekend, since I hadn't seen the babies in two weeks and I missed them. I figured that she wouldn't understand.

I have only been allowed to babysit the twins about three or four times and for about three and a half hours. A few years ago, after my daughter got married, I was thinking about what it would be like to have a grandchild. I don’t think that I really hadn't imagined that it would look like it does now. I live with a memory impairment called MCI – Mild Cognitive Impairment, but because it is not dementia, I don’t think that I really expect that there would be limitations on me babysitting.

I know that over the past six months, I started babysitting the twins for about an hour to an hour and a half with just Ava, while my daughter took Ellie to an appointment. Everything was fine when I babysat and I had no problems.

I'm close to all three of my children, but especially close with my only daughter. I will continue to keep the lines of communication open. Some of the things that I wonder about is when my granddaughters are older, am I going to be able to take them places, such as plays, sleepovers with me, or to the movies?

All I know is that I can't really help the way that I feel and I wished that my daughter could understand that this is not just in my head, but has happened because of the memory impairment. I really wished that my daughter and I didn't have to deal with this. MCI has taken so much from me!

June 30, 2018 Update

I just wanted to give all of you an update. Yesterday I had a great day! I spent the day with my six-and-a-half-month-old twin granddaughters Ava and Ellie. I also spent the day with their other nana. The twins are now interacting with each other and it is the cutest thing! I'm so glad that I was able to take some videos of that.