About the fog – not knowing where I was or who my boyfriend was

Nov. 8, 2015 (Chapter 9 The Fog & Chapter 13 Interaction with Spouse or Significant Other in my book)

Yesterday, I was not feeling right, not sick but something just didn't seem right. I have been under a great deal of stress.

My boyfriend and I had plans to go out so I drove to his home. We were having a good day and he was glad that I was there. Sometime later that afternoon, I took a word search book out of my bag that was in the living room. Moments later, I told him that I didn't know what I did with the book. He said that he saw me take it out of the room and into the kitchen. He went into the kitchen and he found it there. I can only remember taking it out of my bag, but not what I did with it after that. I think that this is when the fog started to roll into my brain, but I was not paying attention to it because I often forget things from one moment to the next.

Later, he was talking to me and I was not responding. Confused, scared and lost was how I was feeling! For some strange reason, I tried to hide it from him. I think that he knew something was not right. I was not responding to him talking to me and he told me that I was looking at him very strange. He told me that I'm acting a little strange and he asks me if I'm okay. I lie and say that I'm okay, even though I'm not. I'm usually very honest, so this is not like me at all. In reality, I'm not lying on purpose, I am unable to explain to him what is happening to me. The heavy fog seems to have invaded my brain. He asks me for a hug and I didn't even know what the words meant. The fog just seemed to be getting thicker by the minute. I know that I should know who he is but right now it is just not registering in my brain. He knows about my diagnosis and we have been dating for a little over three years.

During this time, I'm feeling very strange and I know that something just isn't right, but nothing prepared me for what was happening now. The very dark clouds seemed to be floating in! I am very aware that I don't know where I am and I don't recognize him. I know that these foggy times happen, but I think that I have always known who he is. I could be wrong, because I do have a memory impairment.

I almost feel like running outside and yelling my name! Desperate to find ME! The me who doesn't feel lost and the ME who knows where I am and who I'm with. In other words, the “normal” me. I am aware that I should know who he is and where we are, but it is just not happening right now. For now, he is a stranger to me and this scares me! I don't even know how long this lasted, but it just seems like an eternity when you are dealing with it.

Sometime later, I was back to myself, no fog or clouds, everything seemed clear to me and I was so very thankful. He and I talked about the fog. My boyfriend said that I looked lost and I had a blank stare on my face. He told me that it was like I was looking right through him. He said that during this fog, he told me his name, but he wasn't sure that I knew who he was. I told him that I didn't know where I was or who he was. We were both very sad that I didn't know him, but we will somehow get through these challenges. I can describe this fog as if I'm in a long tunnel and I can't navigate my way through it. I'm stuck!

My boyfriend and I talked and he told me that he notices the “fog” at least once a month. That is only when we are together and I know that I also have the fog when I'm alone. I was definitely in a dark place. Even if this happens for a short time, it is still very upsetting for me. Sometimes, if the fog is not as thick, I can explain to someone what is happening to me. We both know that I have had the fog before, but somehow this time it was different. I think that this was the first time that I didn't know who he was. This scared and concerned both of us.

Once I knew that the fog was gone and I felt better, I drove home to my apartment. After I got home, I jotted some notes down about what happened and our conversation on the phone the next day, otherwise these words would have been lost forever. I do as much as I can to keep my brain active, but sometimes the “monster” sneaks up on me.

This week, when I see my neurologist, I will be telling him about this fog! In thinking about this fog, I never thought that I would forget who someone is. That is because my diagnosis is Mild Cognitive Impairment (MCI) which means that I don't have dementia. Hopefully, when I see my neurologist on Monday, I will get some answers.

My boyfriend and I have had several conversations about that evening that was very difficult for both of us. He has talked about his concern with the fog happening when I'm driving. So far, that hasn't happened and I hope and pray that it doesn't. I'm not sure what would happen if it did occur while I was driving. Would I be able to pull over to the side of the road, perhaps call him, or just sit and wait for it to pass? I'm not really sure that I would be able to do this. Usually when I'm in the fog, I have great difficulty interacting with someone or figuring something out. I might continue driving, but I would probably get lost.

We have been trying to figure out how to handle this when it happens again when we are together. One of the things that I think might help me when I'm in the fog, is listening to my music player. We have discussed this. If he is here and the fog rolls in, he will get my music player for me and we will see if it helps me. There is no way of making the fog disappear. It is just a waiting game. We are trying to problem solve to find a way to keep me calm and relaxed during this time. Music has always done that for me.

I will also continue to journal about these fog episodes, so I can be better at letting my doctor know how often they are occurring.