Let’s talk about feelings

April 4, 2021

I would say that overall, my family has been supportive of my memory impairment diagnosis. I think that the only negative thing that I can say is that at least a few times my daughter has reminded me that I have already told her something. I wish that I could tell her how that makes me feel but unfortunately, I can't do that. I really hate conflicts so I try to avoid them. I just keep it to myself. If I could be open and honest with her, I would tell her how those words make me feel. Perhaps one day, I will be able to do that, but right now I don't think that I can.

If I could tell her how I feel when she tells me, "Mom, you've already told me that", I would tell her how those words hurt me inside. It is almost as though those words cut me like a knife. They make me feel like crying! Because I can’t tell her this, I hold it all inside and pretend that I am fine. In reality, sometimes I feel like screaming! Why don’t you understand what I’m dealing with? I’ve been trying to educate you for many years. This is not about you! This is about me and how my brain doesn’t work the same as it used to. I should not feel like I have done something wrong when I repeat something when it is not my fault! There is something wrong with my brain. I can’t prevent this from happening but if I could I would. Reminding someone who has a memory impairment that they have already told you something is just a waste of time! Does my daughter think that by her telling me this that it won’t happen again? I hope not because that just isn’t my reality.

I think that when you live with a memory impairment, the symptoms can really batter your self-esteem. When this happens to me, I spend time telling myself that it was the memory impairment and it was not my fault. Sometimes it feels like it is a constant battle to remain in control. In reality, mild cognitive impairment is in control and I am just going along for the ride.